My Pale Ass

Dear People of Taiwan

Last time I touched on the behavior of men in this country. Today, we will discuss that of the other gender. Let me start by saying that there is an extraordinarily large amount of attractive women in this country. As I walked down the busy streets of Taipei with a friend, it came to our attention that the proportion of attractive women to unattractive women was approximately 5:1, which is pretty much an unheard of ratio in my book, unless you are vacationing in Cancun during spring break.

Now, that being said, I would also like to clarify that I have never come across women with so much makeup on in my life. I guess it's true...large amounts of makeup can make anybody pretty. This really doesn't bother me at all; in fact, I can actually appreciate someone who takes the time to do such things. It's natural for all of us to have a desire to look good; HOWEVER, it's the ego that comes with the look that is infuriating. SO, as always, I am here to render help/advice to my fellow people of Taiwan.

WOMEN OF TAIWAN:

Advice on becoming a more appealing person:

1) Don't think that I am making a move on you when I am asking for directions to the subway. Not everybody is out to tell you how attractive you are. When you talk to me like I'm a creeper, it makes me feel like I am indeed a creeper. Nobody likes that feeling (well, that's not entirely true).
2) Don't walk like you have a dildo stuck up your ass 24/7. Even if you do, try to be more subtle about it.
3) Stop looking at the bottom of my pants. I unintentionally got them tailored too short and am already quite aware that I am floodin like I'm anticipating Hurricane Katrina (too soon?). Until United Airlines finds my luggage (more on this later), it can't be helped.

Now, if you choose to ignore my advice on becoming a better person, at least take my advice on becoming more attractive physically to fit that giant shithead ego.

1) Stop using a gotdamn umbrella when it is sunny and bright outside. Trust me, you would look even better when you aren't the hue of my pale (literal) ass.
2) Go to McDonald's and then hit the gym. All of you are ridiculously skinny and I am appalled that half of the country has made anorexia a daily part of its life. Being slim/fit is nice, but when your legs look like a pair of chopsticks, you may have problems. From personal experience, I suggest 3 double cheeseburgers and 2 hot n spicy mcchickens per day to gain weight. If you are a Burger King fan, a double whopper every morning for breakfast will do the trick as well.
3) Stop wearing fake eyelashes. They are SO AWKWARD. I can't help but feel weird when I am talking to someone and there are two giant black plastic things flapping at me.

There you have it. Advice on how not to be a bitch coming from someone who isn't a douche (undoubtedly a disputed comment).