JHuActuallyThinks

My Pale Ass

2011-06-13T00:44:00.000-07:00

Dear People of Taiwan

Last time I touched on the behavior of men in this country. Today, we will discuss that of the other gender. Let me start by saying that there is an extraordinarily large amount of attractive women in this country. As I walked down the busy streets of Taipei with a friend, it came to our attention that the proportion of attractive women to unattractive women was approximately 5:1, which is pretty much an unheard of ratio in my book, unless you are vacationing in Cancun during spring break.

Now, that being said, I would also like to clarify that I have never come across women with so much makeup on in my life. I guess it's true...large amounts of makeup can make anybody pretty. This really doesn't bother me at all; in fact, I can actually appreciate someone who takes the time to do such things. It's natural for all of us to have a desire to look good; HOWEVER, it's the ego that comes with the look that is infuriating. SO, as always, I am here to render help/advice to my fellow people of Taiwan.

WOMEN OF TAIWAN:

Advice on becoming a more appealing person:

1) Don't think that I am making a move on you when I am asking for directions to the subway. Not everybody is out to tell you how attractive you are. When you talk to me like I'm a creeper, it makes me feel like I am indeed a creeper. Nobody likes that feeling (well, that's not entirely true).
2) Don't walk like you have a dildo stuck up your ass 24/7. Even if you do, try to be more subtle about it.
3) Stop looking at the bottom of my pants. I unintentionally got them tailored too short and am already quite aware that I am floodin like I'm anticipating Hurricane Katrina (too soon?). Until United Airlines finds my luggage (more on this later), it can't be helped.

Now, if you choose to ignore my advice on becoming a better person, at least take my advice on becoming more attractive physically to fit that giant shithead ego.

1) Stop using a gotdamn umbrella when it is sunny and bright outside. Trust me, you would look even better when you aren't the hue of my pale (literal) ass.
2) Go to McDonald's and then hit the gym. All of you are ridiculously skinny and I am appalled that half of the country has made anorexia a daily part of its life. Being slim/fit is nice, but when your legs look like a pair of chopsticks, you may have problems. From personal experience, I suggest 3 double cheeseburgers and 2 hot n spicy mcchickens per day to gain weight. If you are a Burger King fan, a double whopper every morning for breakfast will do the trick as well.
3) Stop wearing fake eyelashes. They are SO AWKWARD. I can't help but feel weird when I am talking to someone and there are two giant black plastic things flapping at me.

There you have it. Advice on how not to be a bitch coming from someone who isn't a douche (undoubtedly a disputed comment).

Fashion Tips from James

2011-06-09T05:59:00.000-07:00

Dear People of Taiwan,

If you are a guy under the age of 20 here in Taiwan, you probably dress and/or act like you came straight out of this video (sorry guys, this excludes Kobe):

If you are a male between the ages of 20 and 30, you probably dress and/or act like you auditioned to be in this one, but you were rejected because you were way too flamboyant, even for this video.

Middle aged men of Taiwan, I congratulate all of you on winning Taiwan's Best Dressed Males Award (no, that isn't real). All of you dress relatively normally and for that, I am very grateful. Yall have done a great deed for our race.

I will not shit on the seniors of Taiwan because they have dressed the same way for longer than I've been alive, which means they won't be changing the way they dress for anybody.

So back to the Taiwanese youth. Who the fuck taught all of you asshats how to dress yourselves?! My parents would beat me if I went out in public looking like all of you. For fuck's sake, all of you dipshits get your shit together. People around the world are laughing at you. Try putting on shorts and a t-shirt, it might just be the best life decision you have ever made.

I'm Back! (Temporarily)

2011-06-06T04:36:00.000-07:00

Due to popular demand (not really) and more importantly my desire to vent about certain aspects of life here in Taiwan, I have decided to commence blogging once again. This will probably be temporary. It may not even last past two or three posts, but I will do my best to update during my stay of two months here.

I am beginning a new series called "Dear People of Taiwan." Don't get me wrong, I am actually a huge fan of this country, but like any other country, there are certain features of the place that bother me more than I care to admit. Nevertheless, I need to vent somehow. As always, these posts will be R-rated, reader discretion is advised.

Dear People of Taiwan,

I often compare life here to life in Beijing and in 99% of the cases I discuss, Taipei is an undoubtedly better place to be. However! There IS one thing. When I walk, I like to think that I walk at a pretty brisk pace (contrary to popular belief). In Beijing this was never a problem because everybody walked fast and if they didn't, they were very much aware that everybody else did. They would kindly move to the side...wait no, nobody did anything kindly in Beijing...they would just move to the side and let people pass. BUT HERE, MOTHERFUCKERS HERE WALK LIKE THEY WILL BE LIVING FOR THE NEXT 500 YEARS. Fine! If you want to fucking walk at snails pace go right on ahead, but DON'T BLOCK THE ENTIRE FUCKING SIDEWALK WITH YOUR CHILDREN OR YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER OR YOUR SHOPPING BAGS OR YOUR DOGS (why don't you just eat them already). Just get the fuck out of my way! This ESPECIALLY applies to WOMEN in shopping areas. Sometimes I just want to take your goddamn shopping bags, shit in them, and then hand them back to you. I have places to be that don't include the Hang Ten store or Watson's (store smells quite nice actually).

So please, people of Taiwan, don't walk around like there isn't a damn other person walking around you. If you do, I will shit in your shopping bags. Thanks.

I AM HUNGRY YOU FUCKFACES.

2009-09-06T00:41:00.001-07:00

WHERE IS THERE SOMETHING OPEN IN SAN ANTONIO AT 2:45 AM?!!! ANSWER ME! NAO. I NEED FUD.

A Really Fucking Long Overdue Blog Entry. Apologies!

2009-08-17T20:01:00.000-07:00

Right, so I pretty much completely forgot I had this blog for a while until William reminded me that the last time I updated this thing was back in November. Well, school got a little hectic and all, so I ended up putting my time elsewhere (playing PS3).

Anyways, I thought I'd give a little update on what's been happening in my life. My life has been pretty fucked up to say the least. Let's rewind to the end of last semester. My roommate and I had been playing random clips of Tokyo Drift and listening to that Tokyo Drift song over and over for a while, so one day we decide to go out for a little drive. "Let's go drifting!"

Problem #1: I don't know how to drift.

Problem #2: It's really dark out.

Problem #3: I don't know the road.

You can see how this could turn into an epic fail. My roommate is driving in front of me when all of a sudden his taillights disappear. Holy shit. Either his car got consumed by a big dark monster or there is a really fucking sharp turn up ahead. Look down at speedometer: 40 mph. Fuck my tits. No time to brake, so I turn really fast and my rear end swings out. I lose control and fly off a ledge and do a nosedive into a tree/shrubbery. Wonderful. I just crashed my car trying to imitate Tokyo Drift. Kinda ended like the movie did too. No biggie though. I got a nice fat insurance check and ended up getting the same car in a better color.

Now it's 3 days after my birthday. I'm on 59 heading into downtown. Sequence of events:

1. I spot lady brake really hard. She loses control and starts spinning into my lane (I'm on the far left).

2. I look in rear view mirror and spot an 18 wheeler. Fuck my tits once again.

3. Solution: Speed the fuck up and hope to god she misses me.

4. Bad luck gets the best of me once again and she hits me (in my new fucking car btw). But worse luck gets the best of the lady as she swings behind me and is rammed by the 18 wheeler.

5. I stop and run over to her car thinking she probably didn't make it.

6. She made it.

So, on this day I backed up traffic from downtown to Kirby on 59. For all the motherfuckers who honked and flipped me the bird while we were blocking a lane: I hope you get hit by an 18 wheeler. Some people like you in this world really deserve it.

OK so after this happens I go to hang out with a few my friends the following night. They joke: "Wouldn't it be fucked up if you got into a motorcycle accident?! HAHAHAHA" Good joke guys. A few days later I am out for a ride on my motorcycle with my dad. We were just trying to get the engines going on our bikes so we only planned to be out for a few minutes. Out on the feeder, my dad decides to prove just how much faster his POS is. He guns it and turns a corner in an attempt to try and lose me. I, being a 19 year old testosterone-boosted little prick, will have none of this. I go full throttle as well, but forget that I will be making a pretty sharp turn up ahead. Congratulations James, you have now entered an underpass u-turn at 40 mph. Who can guess what happens next? You're probably CORRECT. My bike slides out from under me and I leave a bunch of my flesh on the pavement. This lady drives by and rolls down her window. "Hey, are you OK?!" I am on the ground still trying to get my ass up unsuccessfully. At this point I'm really wishing I hadn't acquired so much weight my first year of college. But anyways, the lady drives off without hearing an answer from me. What the fuck. I ride home with open wounds all over my body. I get home and my dad tells me to jump in the shower to wash off all the dirt and shit. I have no idea why in the hell I complied. As soon as I turned the water on, I nearly passed out from the sting. OK, the mother unit finally makes the executive decision to bring me to the ER. At the ER, I am assigned what seems to be a homosexual nurse. Oh god. At least I think he'll be gentle. And he was, but I just couldn't help but feel like he was stroking my leg and arms in a very seducing manner. What can I say? Gay people love me.

A lot of people asked me "How is your summer going?" or "How have you been?" I answered "Great!" But in reality, everything has been far from pleasant. But, the new school year is about to start and I'm sure there will be lots to look forward to. Oh btw, all the stories above should in no way be taken as an example of my normal driving. Please don't be afraid to ride in my car. I'm really not that bad of a driver! Just ask all my friends!

/rant

Thanks for reading!

Cliffs:

- 3 accidents in 3 months.

- FML

November Thoughts...

2008-11-18T15:31:00.001-08:00

It's....

PEDOBEAR!

There are my amusing pictures of the day. Pedobear strikes in RL.

There are two problems that I need to address today: my vulgarity and my bowel movements. Yes, you did not read wrong. Today, we will be discussing the food I eat here at Trinity and how it comes out. If you have a weak stomach or if you think I might be attracted to you then please stop reading after the first discussion. BTW, I am sacrificing valuable nap and homework time to make this post. You're welcome Patty.

First thing's first. If you know me, you know that I enjoy making vulgar comments. I am indeed racist. I am inherently racist. I am a short chubby Asian. Damn right I'm gonna be scared of black people. And damn right I'm afraid of white people stealing my stuff. I remember my mom used to pack me dumplings for lunch in kindergarten and...CRACKAS STOLE MY DUMPLINGS. Seriously, I'd have to carry around my red Power Rangers lunch box all day just because I knew those white kids would be all over them dumplings if I left them alone. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate white people. In fact, 99% of my school is white. If I hated white people I would have a serious issue on my hands. Also, don't get me wrong about black people. My advisor is black and he's one of the coolest guys I've met here at Trinity. I am actually taking a course called "The African American Experience" right now. Yes, most of you who know me will find that highly amusing. That is one of the very few classes I'm actually doing well in.

Many of my comments also include sexually explicit content. If you think about it, this is very reasonable considering almost everything around us has some kind of sexual connotation. I mean even in Biology they are reading a book titled "Why Sex is Fun." I believe that may have been the only book I have been interested in reading since Green Eggs and Ham. And I read Green Eggs and Ham because the pictures of green eggs and ham made me happy. Yes, I became a fatass at a very early age. Don't judge me. Oh yes, judging...that reminds me. Just yesterday I made a comment about fapping to a girl in my hall and she was all like, "I'm judging you now..." How do you respond to that? I mean in my head I'm thinking "I'm judging you for judging me." But does that sound nearly as cool if I say it to her? I don't know...I don't think so.

Anyways, that's just my warning to all people that don't know me very well. I often make very disturbing comments that you probably shouldn't take seriously...unless I want you to. So now comes the time for the ladies to leave the room because I am about to unleash my fury about my digestive system.

So since I've been here at Trinity, I feel like I have the need to take a dump every single minute of the day. I have some serious bowel issues man. On average I take three shits a day here. And even I am too embarrassed to post how many times my max was. On top of that, they are all huge shits. I don't even eat enough food to be producing that much shit. It is just completely unreasonable. However, I will say that the Mexican food station produces the most dangerous substances. Every time I get food from the Mexican line I have to make some excuse to leave my friends at the dining hall and rush back to my room. I swear that hippie Hispanic guy at that station mixes some extra stuff in the guacamole. And the worst part about all this is that I get fecal anxiety attacks in the middle of class. You know those? When you are prairie dogging it so hard that your whole body goes cold and your stomach hurts like no other. When the urgent need to go goes away every 2 minutes and when it comes back you have to go so bad that you clench the side of your desk so tightly you might just rip it apart. On top of that, I just can't release in public bathrooms. I always have to go back to the room. Just imagine it: You have a giant turd about to blow the fuck out of your ass, but you still have to run a good quarter mile back to your room. I have seriously considered jumping into some bushes and shitting on a building before. That's how they do it in China at least...good thing I'm Taiwanese.

All right, that's about it for this time. I'm sorry if this post has offended you in any way and you are now judging me. Just remember, I'm judging you for judging me.

Cliffs:

- I am vulgar and racist.

- I have explosive shits everyday.

Thanks for reading.

Oh BTW, if you see my mom wish her a happy birthday tomorrow. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM. I hope she didn't really read this...

FAIL.

2008-10-19T18:22:00.000-07:00

I just had to make this post because this is one of the craziest stories I've heard yet in college. Credit goes to a good friend of mine at UT. For the sake of anonymity, the characters in this story are going to be Leeroy and Bevo. Sorry, just something that came to mind.

Leeroy and Bevo are roommates at UT Austin. Leeroy has a pretty nice laptop. I've seen it. Cool looking Sony VAIO. I haven't a clue what the specs are, but I know it's a damn good laptop. And a damn expensive one at that. Anyways, Leeroy comes back to his dorm one night and opens up his laptop. Interesting. There is a white substance near the mouse touchpad. Leeroy sticks his finger in it, rubs his fingers together, and smells it. OH HELL NO.

THERE

JIZZ

HIS

LAPTOP.

Leeroy immediately downloads a program from google that searches his computer's history and finds all the recently viewed folders. There it is. Porn folder accessed. Great. He turns around, "Bevo, I know you've been watching videos on my laptop. There is fucking cum on my laptop."

Bevo responds, "Oh sorry Leeroy, I'm trying to kick the habit."

Wow. KICK THE HABIT?! KICK THE HABIT??!! Fail.

Fine! Watch porn! Do whatever the fuck you want! But don't go around fapping on peoples' laptops, especially your roommates! And if you accidentally do get semen on the laptop, wipe that shit off! Jeez, so fucking retarded. Bevo is damn lucky Leeroy is a nice guy. Leeroy actually cleaned off the now dry jizz himself with leftover vodka. If it were me, I would have kicked Bevo's ass and made him buy me a new laptop. I would never touch that shit again. Ever.

What would you do if your roommate nutted on your laptop? I don't think girls apply here.

I still can't believe this is a true story. I was highly entertained/shocked when I heard about this story. I hope you will be too.

Friday Night!

2008-10-10T19:06:00.000-07:00

Yep, this picture made my day. And yes, it is. (Sorry David!)

Alright so it's Friday night and I'm watching "Clone Wars" on Cartoon Network while sipping on my Wal-Mart brand Dr. Thunder and it feels damn good. I definitely haven't sat back and relaxed like this in a while and I think I will do it a bit more often from now on. Anyways, my point:

I've started playing basketball a little more since I've been here at school. I had to stop earlier because of a knee injury, but when I play now it just isn't the same anymore and I know it will never be the same again. It's so difficult to accept that I can't play like I used to. Basketball was so much to me and it hurts knowing that a knee injury will keep me from being everything that I could've been. It hurts knowing that I should be better than the people I play with. Its that feeling of despair that is so painful, not the injury.

But it's all OK, cuz Clone Wars is actually a really good cartoon series and Dr. Thunder actually tastes better than Dr. Pepper and it's half the price. Satisfaction.

My First Blog Post in Years. Crazy.

2008-09-20T15:26:00.001-07:00

OK. First things first. I wouldn't have started doing this without a good friend of mine, Patrick. I've been pretty hesitant on starting a blog for a long time mainly because I though it'd be me ranting on and on about stupid shit...which it will be. Thank you patrick for convincing me that a blog is not for other people to read, but rather a place for me to talk about stupid shit with myself. Checkout Patrick's blog sometime if you have the chance.

http://enhancedforloop.wordpress.com

Now down to business. Trinity University. If I started this blog at the beginning of the school, it would've have ended up something like this:

This school is a load of bullshit. I (my parents) are paying 40k a year for a piece of shit Rice University wannabe school. There are so many white people here I get headaches from walking around looking at people. I think I may be for once classified under "other" in this school. Trinity diversity my ass. If this place is diverse then UT must be fucking Asia. People here are pricks. Its like they put testosterone in the water here. Guys all of a sudden are good at every single sport known to man and have each fucked 500 girls including Jessica Alba (btw she is hot even with a baby).

Thankfully, I have been to UT Austin a few times in the past weeks and I have friends at UH that I talk to. Trinity is now home to me. Here's why:

If I went to UT I would be immersed in a bunch of crap. It would be like somebody taking a shit on my life on the daily. A bunch of high school shit catching up to me. No thanks. We went to an Omega party last weekend and I engaged in fucking FOUR awkward encounters (AND I DON'T EVEN GO TO THEIR FUCKING SCHOOL), not to mention getting kicked out of the club. As for UH, it's not completely out of the question, but I have heard that life is too damn near a high school experience. Also if I went to UT or UH I'd still always be surrounded by Asian people and I have to say, Asians love drama, from stirring up stupid shit themselves to Korean soaps. It's all the same. Complicated and unnecessary.

OK so why Trinity? I honestly don't really have a good answer. I just like it better here now. People aren't really pricks here. It's just when we are about to do something competitive everybody starts poppin those testosterone pills. I still think it's horseshit that it costs 40k a year to go to this school. It costs more to eat on campus than to eat off campus. We don't even have any outside vendors on campus. But whatever, the food is semi-ok. I can deal. I guess the one thing about this place is that there isn't always dramatic shit going on here. Things are much more peaceful and people are all good to each other. It is definitely the people at this school that make things better. Out of 50,000 people at UT you will always have a large population of fuckers who would be better off castrated.

Anyways, I'm done ranting for today. I like blogging. I can keep ranting on and on and you can just stop reading when you're bored. If I talked to you about this in person, you would most likely get bored, but you'd have to sit there and wait for me to finish and then give input on top of that. Well if you read up to this point, I really appreciate it. I guess I'm done.

Oh P.S.

If you use tag or axe body spray you are a fucker. It smells like a mix of KFC, watermelon, and grape soda. PLEASE stop destroying the ozone with that shit and get some real cologne or deodorant. Thanks.